Rucksack Bruising - " 'Rucksacks' could be substituted with "umbrella", "elbow" or "small wheelie thing that's just about the right height to cause shin agony". Metro say protective padding is an option of "an arsenal of hidden weapons" about your person (Christ knows how that got past associated Newspapers editors. Check out my earlier entry in my blog in June for my thoughts on rucksacks and the associated tube rule.
Commuter Neck - "A common complaint caused by repeated craning of head so as to avoid any eye contact with fellow passengers" Reading Metro is supposed to be the solution to this. More on avoiding eye contact with my unofficial tube rule.
Economy Posture Syndrome - "This affliction affects those trying to avoid knee contact with people sitting directly opposite. Crossed legs within tighter and tighter around each other cutting off circulation." Metro's solution - take an aspirin before travelling and make sure you stretch your legs by taking walks down the carriage. Blimey guys in the rush hours it's a struggle getting on the carriage, let alone taking walks up and down it. Are they suggesting you might get deep vein thrombosis from trying to avoid touching the knees of the person opposite? And what about those bastards who sit with their legs wide apart - rule and a July entry in my blog?
Finally - Escalator Hamstring - "Borne of commuters over enthusiastically running up steps, fooled into thinking it's not exercise because the steps are moving" Metro's solution - some warm up exercises "especially if you have to avoid obstructions such as stray tourists in the way".